Hi friends, it has been awhlle! I have been busy discovering my sexual self (smiley face) and can’t wait to share more about this journey with you all soon. I will tell you this – I have “magically” dropped 5-10 pounds which i know didn’t happen overnight but it sorta feels like it. There’s something to be said about being comfortable in your own skin.
My favorite definition of “sexy” is just that – “sexy is being comfortable in your own skin.”
I am feeling sexy these days (big sigh!) I also recently decided to stop some of my hormonal supplementation which I was a little worried would spiral me into crazy but it hasn’t!! Everyone in my house is so happy about this! (Crazy mama ain’t no good for no one, can you relate??) I had been using testerone pellets to help with my libido, sleep, hot flashes and all the other joys that come with menopausal life. A friend shared her essential oils regiment with me so I ordered those and have been doing a few other things which I will share at a later date to get my hormones in order. I am happy to report that it is working – no flashes, libido up! (happy husband!!)
So, I have been good!
That is until Monday…
My husband shared something in a conversation that triggered me. I immediatley felt my face flush, heat rising with shame and anger. I felt the wall come up between us, that protective steel, 12-inch thick, no way in hell you are EVER getting in again wall. It was weird to be so self aware yet so unable to stop the chain reaction.
I am so thankful for the self-awareness I have now – it hasn’t always been this way. Most of my life has been on automatic pilot turning to my defaults to manage the pain and fill the voids in my life. I lived in denial! I am happy to be aware, even though it kinda sucks, because with awareness brings deeper responsibility.
I must look at it,
deal with it,
do something different with it!
To add to my misery I had a bad dream involving him and the issue which spun me out – I hate those – i woke up with a headache and my stomach was upset most of the day, oh and yea, did I mention I was ticked off at him all day. (Poor guy didn’t do anything – BUT HIS DANG DREAM VERSION DID!)
So I am managing the storm within and I am thankful for it to be quite honest. The thunder that rumbles under the surface, the lightening that rattles the mind awake, the rains that insistently pounds for attention–
wake up, see me, deal with me, I am still here,
you thought you were done but I have been hiding,
there’s still junk in here.
My heart wakes up!
In the past I have pushed it all down, silenced the roar, placed the pretty mask in perfect form to cover it up, and moved on…just FYI, it doesn’t work! It may quiet for a time but unsettled, undealt with storms have a way of flooding through and destroying all that you have worked so hard to save by putting higher on a shelf. Sandbags will not keep the waters out forever!
So INSTEAD I am holding…
Arms wrapped around with curiosity turning into the wind.
I am thanking the shame and anger for being my friends, for working so hard to protect me from the danger my heart feels! That’s all they are trying to do.
Shame whispers, “Danger, danger, remember how this felt and how embarrassed we were the last time, I will not let it you feel that again, I will call the wall and stand tall on the watchtower.”
Anger reminds, “This is his fault not yours, you have every right to pull the wall out and keep it there, He can’t hurt us. I will not give him access, I am justified to stand watch as well and keep the wall fortified.”
They are just doing their jobs!
Loving my emotions to myself begins to disarm them, to quiet the sirens going off inside and settle the raging. As I turn into them I realize I don’t need them to stand watch on the wall any longer, I am a good keeper of my heart now and they can stand down.
I don’t shame them,
I don’t ignore them,
I don’t avoid them,
I simply thank them for doing exactly what they were designed to do – guard my heart!
Disarmed, I feel the wall begin to lower as I step into vulnerability. It seems like an oxymoron that vulnerability is protective, but it is.
It is the most disarming, settling, protective space to be.
I am me, you are you – let’s talk about it!
Choosing vulnerability I am free to hold my heart and share it!