What are the dreams dancing in your heart?

Have you forgotten what it is that you love? What you were passionate about? Who you are?

We do that…we forget!

And it’s important to remember!

I have been encouraging some of my clients to get back in touch with this part of their hearts by creating dream boards. A few friends of mine recently did this and shared them with me, I had forgotten how powerful this exercise is! They had pictures and words that illustrated lost dreams buried in the busyness that this life brings. Images that tickled the passions deep in their soul that have laid dormant, quietly waiting to be invited to dance. Words that resonated from a deep yearning clawing to rise to the surface.

dream boardIt’s a powerful thing to find yourself again! To see the real you stand up and take center stage can be scary but when the spotlight blinds you to audience of onlookers, you are left alone to dance in the moment with the authentic, vulnerable, courageous you!

I was blessed years ago to attend John and Stasi Eldredge’s Captivating Retreat in Colorado with an amazing group of women. The beautiful setting, the rich messages, the time in prayer was soul breathed. The day started with breakfast and then a couple of morning sessions, break for lunch and time to relax. During one of those lazy afternoon breaks we sat around the lodge having coffee and visiting. The leader of our group asked the question to us, “If you could do, see, go anywhere, what would it be?” She went around the circle, each lady sharing her dream. When she got to me I was at a loss! I really had no idea and it triggered me! My heart had lost the capacity to dream…Proverbs 13:12 reminds us that “hope deferred makes the heart sick…”  There had been dreams in my heart that hadn’t been realized and over the years I quit wishing for them to come true. I stopped dreaming because it felt too painful in the waiting. I hadn’t realized this until I was asked that question in that circle.

After lunch, we met in small groups for a time of pray for one another. This prayer time was powerful, each woman took no more than 10 minutes to share a part of her story and then we would sit in silence and wait on the Holy Spirit to speak to us with a word or through an image for that woman. So when it was my turn I shared that fresh experience of forgetting how to dream, realizing that in my dissapointment I had actually cut off my heart from the passion and desire that was housed there. And then we waited for the Holy Spirit to breathe…

Each woman in that circle imparted a gift into to me that day, a holy, inspired word specifically spoken to them for me. It was powerful! The last one to speak shared this…”I am not sure what this means but I see you dressed in a ballerina tutu spinning.” I had no idea what that meant, I never took dancing as a little girl, I was a gymnast for awhile, but not a dancer. It made no sense to me but ok I received it knowing God would reveal in His timing, which coincidentally was just a few hours away.

After that small group time we reconvened with everyone for dinner and then attended an evening session. Stasi Eldredge took the stage and began talking about DREAMING! It was bizarre, everything I had shared with the group, she spoke to. I felt like she had been standing outside the door of our room listening to my heart’s cry during our small group time. I was blown away, this session was specifically for me…it’s as if I could hear God whispering, ” I hear you, I know your disappointments, I remember the dreams that danced in your heart, I have not forgotten you.” I was overwhelmed.

And if that wasn’t enough…He just showed off in this next moment.

Stasi asked us to take out our journals and begin to make a “Dreams List” that included any and every dream we have or might have. Anything lofty like traveling the world or simple like growing strawberries in a pot on a back porch. Nothing was too big or too small to include. After her instructions she said, “I am going to put on some dreamy music for you to journal to.” And this beautiful music box sound filled the room.

ballerinaDo you remember those treasured jewelry boxes we all had as little girls, you know the ones that you wind up and that tinker music chimed as the little plastic ballerina spun round and round while her dance song played? That was the music that filled the space and overwhelmed my heart! I looked at my friend that had shared that beautiful vision of me dressed in a tutu dancing and we both burst into tears…WOW! JUST WOW!  (you can hear that sweet little music box yourself from the “I Have Danced WIth A King” link below)

I felt so heard, so cared for! God in His detailed, intimate way showed up and showed off for me in that sweet, heart-opening moment to beckon my heart to dream again! Even the name of the song was specifically chosen for me…that day I danced with the King of Kings and He held my heart, full of dreams, in His hands and handed it back to me!

So my friend, it is time to dream again! He knows the dreams dancing in your heart, He holds them close to His and He knows how and when He will make those dreams come true. Don’t let disappointment keep you from dreaming.

follow_your_heart

Make a dream board– find images and words from magazines that answer these questions:

  • What things do I love?
  • What things am I innately drawn to and passionate about?
  • What things would I like to see in my future?
  • When and how has God shown up for me in the past?
  • What things are on my bucket list to do in my lifetime?

No dream/desire is too big!

No dream/desire is too small!

Let the words and images that pop out at you touch the deep, hidden, forgotten places in your heart! Let them find you again! Let them remind you! REMEMBER!!

heart dream

Remember who you are, what you loved, what you are passionate about!

Open your heart to dream again!

Let Cinderella’s words spin in your heart  –

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you’re fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true
A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you’re feeling small
Alone, in the night you whisper
Thinking no one can hear you at all
You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you
Don’t let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true
A dream is a wish your heart makes
A dream is a wish your heart makes
You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you
Don’t let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

dream

 

Dance with the King today and let Him hand you your dreamy heart back.

He’s been holding on to it for you until you were ready to hold it again yourself!

Hi friends, it has been awhlle! I have been busy discovering my sexual self (smiley face) and can’t wait to share more about this journey with you all soon. I will tell you this – I have “magically” dropped 5-10 pounds which i know didn’t happen overnight but it sorta feels like it. There’s something to be said about being comfortable in your own skin.

My favorite definition of “sexy” is just that – “sexy is being comfortable in your own skin.”

confidence

I am feeling sexy these days (big sigh!) I also recently decided to stop some of my hormonal supplementation which I was a little worried would spiral me into crazy but it hasn’t!! Everyone in my house is so happy about this! (Crazy mama ain’t no good for no one, can you relate??) I had been using testerone pellets to help with my libido, sleep, hot flashes and all the other joys that come with menopausal life. A friend shared her essential oils regiment with me so I ordered those and have been doing a few other things which I will share at a later date to get my hormones in order. I am happy to report that it is working – no flashes, libido up! (happy husband!!)

So, I have been good!

That is until Monday…

My husband shared something in a conversation that triggered me. I immediatley felt my face flush, heat rising with shame and anger. I felt the wall come up between us, that protective steel, 12-inch thick, no way in hell you are EVER getting in again wall. It was weird to be so self aware yet so unable to stop the chain reaction.

I am so thankful for the self-awareness I have now – it hasn’t always been this way. Most of my life has been on automatic pilot turning to my defaults to manage the pain and fill the voids in my life. I lived in denial! I am happy to be aware, even though it kinda sucks, because with awareness brings deeper responsibility.

I must look at it,

deal with it,

do something different with it!

To add to my misery I had a bad dream involving him and the issue which spun me out – I hate those – i woke up with a headache and my stomach was upset most of the day, oh and yea, did I mention I was ticked off at him all day. (Poor guy didn’t do anything – BUT HIS DANG DREAM VERSION DID!)

So I am managing the storm within and I am thankful for it to be quite honest. The thunder that rumbles under the surface, the lightening that rattles the mind awake, the rains that insistently pounds for attention–

wake up, see me, deal with me, I am still here,

you thought you were done but I have been hiding,

there’s still junk in here.

My heart wakes up!

In the past I have pushed it all down, silenced the roar, placed the pretty mask in perfect form to cover it up, and moved on…just FYI, it doesn’t work! It may quiet for a time but unsettled, undealt with storms have a way of flooding through and destroying all that you have worked so hard to save by putting higher on a shelf. Sandbags will not keep the waters out forever!

So INSTEAD I am holding…

Arms wrapped around with curiosity turning into the wind.

I am thanking the shame and anger for being my friends, for working so hard to protect me from the danger my heart feels! That’s all they are trying to do.

Shame whispers, “Danger, danger, remember how this felt and how embarrassed we were the last time, I will not let it you feel that again, I will call the wall and stand tall on the watchtower.”

Anger reminds, “This is his fault not yours, you have every right to pull the wall out and keep it there, He can’t hurt us. I will not give him access, I am justified to stand watch as well and keep the wall fortified.”

They are just doing their jobs!

Thank you friends – thank you for working so hard to alert me, to teach heartguard me, to protect and preserve me. You have been so faithful to serve me.

Loving my emotions to myself begins to disarm them, to quiet the sirens going off inside and settle the raging. As I turn into them I realize I don’t need them to stand watch on the wall any longer,  I am a good keeper of my heart now and they can stand down.

I don’t shame them,

I don’t ignore them,

I don’t avoid them,

I simply thank them for doing exactly what they were designed to do – guard my heart!

Disarmed, I feel the wall begin to lower as I step into vulnerability. It seems like an oxymoron that vulnerability is protective, but it is.

It is the most disarming, settling, protective space to be.

I am me, you are you – let’s talk about it!

Choosing vulnerability I am free to hold my heart and share it!

sunrise 2

Perfectionism. Is that a dirty word to you? Is it a sweet thing of order that brings a sense of peace? Is it a painful word that recalls memories of comparison and all those times you were not good enough? Does it expose you? Does it validate you? Do you feel a calm within when all things seem “perfect’? Does it control you? Back you up? Propel you forward?

How does that word hit you?

I was in Houston last weekend visiting my oldest daughter and her hubby, her and I ran over to Ulta, I needed some new face powder and wanted her help to color match and find a new product. She stopped one of the consultants in the store and askbrushesed for help and next thing I know I found myself in a chair being color matched, keenly aware of my discomfort but not sure about the reasons underneath fueling the stirring.

This stranger up close, examining my skin, mirrors, makeup…I wanted to run and hide! (I didn’t thankfully, can you just imagine that scene? Grown woman flees from makeup counter like a scared mouse being chased by a cat…ridiculous!) But I wanted to flee like that scared mouse.

BUT WHY?

So as usual I have been pondering-

this scene,

these feelings,

what is that all about?

I have some conclusions, some confessions…

I have not traditionally worn alot of makeup – my mom wears very little, so it wasn’t something I grew up with or knew how to do and I was very fortunate to have pretty good skin growing up, I didn’t need alot makeup so I never really learned how to manage all those creams and powders, brushes and pencils. It’s always a little overwhelming and uncomfortable when people start talking about it because in some ways I feel a little clueless and I don’t like feeling clueless and not good at something – I don’t like that – Confession #1

Brushes_Tools1_72_1

Having someone so close to my face examining me was super unnerving…I am fine with showing my underbelly, exposing my imperfections the way I choose to expose them (control is a little issue for me). But having someone look and see the unevenness of my skin, maybe a whisker or unruly eyebrow I missed when plucking is unsettling because I feel out of control – exposing my imperfect in an uncontrolled way – I didn’t like it – Confession #2

dirty-used-brushes

Looking at myself in a mirror, I am much better than I used to be, but all those lights, all those makeup covered girls, it’s hard not to feel “inadequate” and well to be perfectly honest, unattractive. The lights, the mirrors, I focus on the things I dislike the most – I hate that, I work hard to change that – but I still do it – my eyes are small, I have thin lips, my face is aging – wrinkles, veins, grey hairs…it’s hard not to be critical when so much attention is drawn to the things I struggle with in the mirror – I don’t like this – Confession #3

Of course the timing of all this doesn’t surprise me – I can’t help but think that all of this stirring and realization is just the beginning of the healing of my sexual self. The intimate, covered up, private sexual self.

bikin

Our sexual self is not just the parts we cover with bathing suit pieces, our sexual self starts with our faces. When puberty begins, for most of us, one of the first changes we experience happens on our faces – blemishes, pimples, zits pop out and these little dots can distort our view of ourselves. To be able to look at our faces and be kind and gentle with ourselves is the first step in healing our sexual selves.

Dr. Kevin Leman in his book, A Chicken’s Guide to Talking Turkey with Your Kids About Sex, states, ” A common mistake parents make is to focus on the ‘bathing suit’ areas of the body when approaching the topic.” He reminds us that from day one of our lives we were all created as sexual beings and we must start at “first base” not second and third when it comes to sex. Talking about the changes happening on a kid’s face (first base) is actually the best place to start with sex talk. Why is that? Well, think about it – loving our sexual selves, our bodies, and our sexual anatomy starts with loving our faces – we are not just a body, our faces, our eyes specifically, are the ways we connect on a deep level with another human being – they are the “windows to our soul” as they say, and the first and most important act in sex, because sex, at it’s essence is deep connection with another person, an intimate way to be known and to know another. It starts with the eyes!

beautyAcceptance and love for our sexual selves does not start between our legs – sorry if that’s a little crude for you, but it’s the truth. When we think about our sexual selves we typically think about our vagina, obviously, because it is our sexual organ but that is not where we must begin. Our love and accceptance for all things sexual starts by looking into our own eyes and appreciating the color of them, the shape of them, the wrinkles at the corner that may be starting to take shape, contorting and changing the landscape of our faces as we have traditionally known them.

The aging process is hard, we change right before our very eyes. Inside, our girlish hearts, we still feel youthful, young and then we pass in front of a mirror and we are often a little surprised at the reflection of an “older” woman looking back. I asked my mom once when she was in her 60’s, “Mom, when you walk away from the mirror and don’t see your reflection, how old are you in your mind?” Her answer surprised me, “I am in my 30’s.” She is in her 70’s now but I am sure if I asked her the same question she would have the same answer. The heart doesn’t age, we grow in wisdom but not in “oldness” – yes, I know that is not a word, I had to make one up because nothing else quite fits that experience.

So what does all this have to do with perfection? Not that I ever felt perfect when it comes to my body, I have always struggled with the “imperfection” I have believed about it but I have been careful to control how I express and reveal those feelings about my own imperfection to others and last weekend that unraveled a bit more for me. It was good to see myself through a clearer lens even though it was uncomfortable. I don’t want to be driven mindlessly by things I feel but can’t wrap words around. So I am choosing to embrace the imperfections and see them differently –

and, by the way, who says they are imperfections anyway?unique

God says that He knit me together in my mother’s womb, every detail about me He knit together, so what about me could possibly be imperfect??

Psalm 139:14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20  Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

Hebrews 10:14 For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified.

Just because it’s different doesn’t make it imperfect! I have labeled things about myself because of comparison and looking out instead of facing the mirror and embracing the view. To heal my sexual self I must start at “first base” — look into my own eyes – to know and be known.

My sexual self starts with intimate relationship within.

Beauty-Quotes-1