img_8122This is a new journal I picked up months ago, it reminded me of a story from years past, a story of a little girl, a teepee, and Jesus giving her a new name. It has been sitting on a table in my office waiting to be used.  I love new journals but I hadn’t been journaling much lately, it’s been awhile since I was still enough to write my own thoughts and listen to His!  But September 9th was this journal’s big day – she got an earful!!

I have been up early lately – not seeing sleeping well, I love/hate that!

Let’s start with the hate – well, for obvious reasons, because I’m tired and my body needs the sleep to make it through the busy days I have homeschooling girls, taking care of my home, chauffeuring girls, walking with broken women, being present with my husband.

Love – because there’s nothing like those quiet, dark hours before the dawn.  The sweetness of God’s presence as He ushers in a new day, the stillness of my house, the calm before the storm right?!

As I was reading my Bible this morning and crying out to Lord on behalf of friends in desperate need of prayer, I noticed the cover of my journal again, “Hide Away” and heard this sweet message to my heavy heart –

“You are hidden”

I didn’t know that when I picked up this journal I would need a hide away, had no idea I would need a place to be covered as I wrestled and struggled.  Psalm 27:5 For in the day of trouble He will keep me safe in His dwelling; He will hide me in the shelter of His sacred tent and set me high upon a rock.  He is my shelter, my hiding place and He opens the door inviting me in to work through my stuff. I love that about Him!  He doesn’t turn away from the ugliness in me, the wretchedness of my heart – He draws closer, asking me to give it to Him.  He is not afraid, ashamed, or appalled by the mess that I am – He calls it Beautiful and draws ever nearer! Always faithful to sit close by as I wrestle with the shedding old skin.

Psalm 40:1 I waited patiently for the LORD; He inclined to me and heard my cry.

I love this verse, the second part of it. The first part I’m not so good at, patience is not my strong suit, but I work on it. BUT the second part, oh the sweet second part –

HE INCLINED TO ME!  

Can you just see that, the Lord leaning in, moving toward you, gently turning His attention to your need with tenderness and grace…close your eyes for just a moment and see Him incline to you.  You are so important to Him, of utmost interest to Him, His favorite and He doesn’t want to miss a word!

“Remember, also, that though you are hidden, you are not hidden from the Lord. You are hidden by Him, but you are not hidden from Him. He can read your thoughts. He sees that hot tear that is beginning to lift the eyelid. He knows the troubles that are yet to come as well as those that have come—”  Charles Spurgeon

I am comforted to know that I am NOT invisible, I am NOT unseen, I am NOT forgotten, or dismissed or disposable,

I AM HIDDEN AND HE IS NEAR!  


cropped-IMG_1380.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Heart aches with the heaviness of pieces of story…other people’s stories. Why am I privy to such things? Why do I know these bit and pieces? It does not serve my heart well.  It’s disappointing. I ask God in the early hours of the morning, “Why? Why do you let me know?” The silence hangs between us.

Discouraged in the bottom of this pit I look about me, all is dark.  Head heavy, pulled forward by gravity, forcing eyes down. Feet stand bare on the cold ground beneath,

I am alone, I feel stuck.

He is good, I remind myself of this, He is good.  

And I believe that with every fiber of my being -I believe- so there must be a reason.

All things pass through His hands and into our ordained-step days, He knows I must know these pieces, I am just not sure why?

But history with Him is clear – He rarely answers the “why” questions. I am pretty sure my mind could not comprehend if He offered to share anyway.  Isaiah 55:9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” 

Eyes searching for answers, I look up and from the bottom of this pit to find this view above.

The dawn of a new day, full of promise and new mercies.

img_0302

 

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.

I lift my eyes and trust in His plan and the deep work He is doing in my heart.  

img_8476

 

This is my bedside table – it is always full of books, the next read I hope to get to, the ones I am putting off getting to, the ones I loved and need to keep close a little bit longer.  I love books – the real deal books with paper and words and beautiful covers. I don’t get to read enough, it’s hard to make the time with so many other things vying for my attention.

My daughter (she loves books too) gave me a book awhile back that I hadn’t made the time for but recently picked it up and it was right on time.  I love that about books. Books all are about timing for me, the perfect message in the perfect moment (another sweet little way that God shows me love and that He is interested with the details in my life.) Anyway, this beautiful book has been sitting by my bed for quite some time and in my recent funk I decided to pick it up. It’s called Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. It’s not for the faint at heart – she can be pretty rough and bold with her words sometimes, so I am definitely not recommending, I am just sharing about my experience with it.

It’s a book about creativity.  It’s a light read and it’s perfect for today.  I have been frustrated and disappointed with creativity, asking a myriad of questions about what’s it all for?! Big Magic has made me look at it a little different, it has helped me to lighten the load and dance with the idea of creativity again.  She has put words to some of my feelings in this season and for that I am grateful because I don’t always have the words and they get stuck inside of me and I get backed up in all of it.

Words are good – they free, expose, bring clarity, and empty me out for better things to replace.

I am a big fan of words!!

Anyway, back to my experience –

Reading this morning I came across this chapter toward the end of the book, she writes, “It makes me sad when I fail. It disappoints me.  Disappointment can make me feel disgusted with myself, or surly towards others.”  – yes yes yes!!!

She goes on to write – “…I have come to understand what part of me is suffering when I fail: It’s just my ego.”

It’s just my ego! – that stinky little booger!

Mirriam-Webster’s defines ego as the opinion that you have about yourself. An online source interprets ego as a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance. Vocabulary.com explains it as an inflated feeling of pride in your superiority to others.

Ego – we all have one, we all need it.  It helps you to “proclaim your individuality, define your desires, understand your preferences and defend your borders,”

but we definitely shouldn’t take it so seriously!

“Your ego is a wonderful servant it’s but a terrible master – because the only thing your ego ever wants is reward, reward and more reward. And since there’s never enough reward to satisfy, your ego will always be disappointed. Left unmanaged your ego will rot you from the inside out. An unchecked ego is what the Buddhist call ‘a hungry ghost’ – forever famished eternally growling with need and greed.  Some version of that hunger dwells within all of us. We all have that lunatic presence, living deep within our guts, that refuses to ever be satisfied with anything. I have it, you have it, we all have it.  My saving grace is this, though: I know that I am not only an ego; I am also a soul.  And I know that my soul doesn’t care a whit about reward or failure. My soul is not guided by dreams of praise or fears of criticism. My soul doesn’t even have language for such notions.  My soul, when I tend to it, is a far more expansive and fascinating source of guidance than my ego will ever be, because my soul desires only one thing: wonder.” Elizabeth goes on to write, “So whenever that brittle voice of dissatisfaction emerges within me, I can say, ‘Ah, my ego! There you are, old friend! It’s the same thing when I’m being criticized and I notice myself reacting with outrage, heartache or defensiveness.  It’s just my ego, flaring up and testing its power…At such times, I can always steady my life once more by returning to my soul. I ask it, ‘And what is it that you want, dear one?'”

Balance between flesh and spirit and honoring both is a necessary and messy process oftentimes. The Ego wages war with the world trying to make her way and make a difference while the Soul serves to settle and ground in the wonder of it all.  Life is beautifully messy! (big sigh)

I prefer living in the wonder of the soul- she’s much more peaceful and pleasant.

Childlike wonder without hesitation, inhibition, and self-absorption.

Approaching life with a curious curiosity.

All has something to teach us –

each person, each situation, each lesson, each trial, each disappointment, each moment.

Yes, I prefer living from the soul – it’s a more peaceful place – less striving, more rest.

So I turn in…

Turning into wonder, eyes wide open – what do you want to speak to my soul today?