It’s been a heartbreaking week here in my hometown, so much devastation and destruction in such a short amount of time. Rain fell on our Louisiana homes on August 11, 2016 and kept falling, covering our streets, soaking our flowerbeds, washing clean our porches. It seemed like any other rainy day in Louisiana, but it was not.

It took us by surprise as it

fell

and

fell

and

fell!

6,900,000,000,000 gallons of rain fell and swept away our cities.

I saw a Facebook post that stated that of the 138,000 residents of Livingston Parish, 105,000 residents lost everything in this unexpected flood. Two of those 138,000 belong to me…my great Aunt Ruby, a 91 year old treasure. Seventy years in the same house. Seventy years of memories washed away in just a flash. And my Uncle J and Aunt Linda who celebrated their 39^th wedding anniversary ripping sheetrock and carrying water logged furniture to the road in front of their home.

It has been a heartbreaking week.

Yes, it’s just stuff, but it’s their stuff, their stuff full of memories. I saved pictures from a drawer in my Aunt Ruby’s house, drenched and stuck together, carefully pulling them apart and laying them to dry in an effort to rescue. It was painful to have her sit in the
driveway as I dragged trash bag after trash bag of damaged pieces of her past to the road, discarded in the ruin. My heart broke sitting next to her as frail hands rummaged through an old box of photographs and letters that had been unharmed by the cruel rising waters. She’s a strong woman, you have to be to live widowed to 91 years old, but I watched her face as she remembered days gone by. A deep sadness lingered behind the gratitude she offered for the help and rescue. Yes, it’s just stuff, but it was her stuff.

Helping today at my other aunt’s house was just as heartbreaking. They were in good spirits, grateful to be alive and resolved to live with less from here on out but it was hard to see all of her beautiful furniture and rugs and curtains piled like trash outside of her front door.

Many Christmases and family get togethers have been spent surrounded by these hand-picked pieces. Walking through her house that smelled of mold and grime, the inmost parts of her house exposed, wood floors buckled, choking back tears, she turned to me and said, “Melissa Ayn look at my house!” My heart aches!

Yes, it’s just stuff, but it’s her stuff full of memories and time spent carefully choosing just the right piece for that corner to decorate and display, to delight and beautify.

Cleaning out an old purse I came across this pin that belonged to my grandmother –

Oh how I miss her!

Little reminders of her everywhere in this place

amongst the broken, damaged things of this house.

It is “just stuff” and our hope is not in our stuff.

I am blessed with a strong family of believers who hold firm to Matthew 6:19-20 which says “Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal.  Store your treasures in heaven…”

Yes, we don’t hold too tightly to our stuff but when it is taken from us

without our consent,

without notice,

without time to consider and make peace with letting go,

it’s hard!

Life goes on and we persevere, that’s what we do! We hold tighter to family and the things in this world that really matter. We make resolutions to live differently and lighten our load (literally) as we say goodbye to “our stuff” knowing that in the end it wasn’t really all that important.

Today, I am thankful for the Godly heritage these beautiful people have passed down to me. Today, I am thankful for the opportunity to have been there for them and to have served them in their time of need. Today, I am thankful for community that cared for us all with lunch and supplies to help in our efforts to clean up and move on. Today, I am thankful for neighborly kindness. Today, I am thankful for all the memories all of their stuff afforded me. Today, I am thankful for letting go and moving on. Today, I am thankful to witness the strength of overcomers and this truth — our hope is in the Lord!

It’s tricky out there ya know?

Being yourself feels likes it has

its drawbacks, its loopholes, its exceptions!

Do people really want the “real” me?

Do people really want authenticity in relationships?

Do people really want vulnerability?

Do people really want to “see” me?

The truth is, some people don’t!  Some are comfortable with the boxes we have ourselves in.  Some are convenienced with the niceties that rule our relationships, they don’t want to go any deeper, they don’t want to really “know” or really “see” behind the scenes – the gory details of what living life in the muck and mire looks like!

Some are scared of it, some are appalled by it, some don’t understand it.

For so many reasons…

denial,

fear,

pain,

comfort,

ease.

Life is messy – God knows that!  He’s extravagant about finding people in the dirt, picking them up, cleaning them up and putting them back out there!  He’s not afraid of the “yuck!”  

Psalm 40:1-3

I waited patiently for the Lord;
    He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in Him.

For a long time I have lived in a place feeling misunderstood, feeling unknown, feeling invisible…but the truth is

until I am comfortable in my own skin,

I will never find the “approval” I seek

because that approval does not come from outside of me.

My freedom to be me comes from within!

There are many who will not understand, there are many who will judge prematurely without ever getting to know my heart, there are many who will feel uncomfortable in close proximity, there are many who will mischaracterize and misperceive on face value, but I can NOT control any of it, I can NOT stop being the way God created me to be because of anyone else’s opinion.

But… let me be clear – this never gives me permission to stop trying to see another’s experience and to seek understanding.

To walk in their shoes!  

Growth comes in community and every experience is an opportunity to turn in and see more truth about myself!

Each is a mirror into our own souls!

Asking myself the hard questions about why that thing they do bothers me?

Why I feel misunderstood?

What happens between us?

How is this about me and my stuff?

How do I interfere and challenge this relationship?

What’s inauthentic in me?

What’s still broken and needs God’s healing?

And at the end of it, after the inventory is taken— there are things to be learned, healing to be had, change to take place and again I am faced with the honesty of this statement –

the freedom to be me comes from within  

because the relationship may not get better, the situation may not change, from the outside it may all look the same because you can NOT control or change another’s opinion – all you can do is the hard work to clean your own soul!

Life is messy – God knows that!  He’s extravagant about helping me to see the dirt still sifting in my soul and using a little elbow grease to clean me up!

He’s not afraid of MY “yuck!”  

and

He’s not afraid of yours either! 

Read this on an Instagram post a few days ago and loved it!

“How cool is it that the same God,

who created mountains

and oceans,

and galaxies,

looked at you

and thought the world needed one of you too?”

I have lived many years hidden under the shadows of “not enough.”  It permeated my every cell and it kept me stuck in friendships that did not value me.

And I bought in – it really wasn’t anyone else’s fault!  

We have been doing it since the Fall in the Garden, blaming others for what we are responsible for. Bad things happen, hurtful things break our hearts, disappointment robs our expectations. Sometimes life sucks!!  It was never your fault, those bad things that happened to you, it wasn’t your fault BUT the damage that has left your heart full of shrapnel, bleeding out, oozing with pain and disappointment – well…that is your responsibility!

Only you can choose to heal your heart!  

It would be so lovely if those who had hurt us would come back and apologize, try to make it right and pay for all the counseling we are going to need because of their careless, maybe even destructive ways, but that doesn’t typically happen –

so it is left up to you –

your heart is your responsibility and your heart is worth it!  

Turn into the stories, 

See the lies,

Embrace the pain,

Invite Jesus,

Show Him your broken heart,

Hear Him speak truth,

Let Him comfort you,

Be empowered to live differently

And remember this..

You bring something unique to this blue green planet that no one else can bring!  You manifest an aspect of God that no one else displays!  You are a specific, fearfully and wonderfully made, miracle!

You matter!

Never let anyone tell you different!!