The Messy Middle

I’m in a funk, stuck in the middle of the mess. I know things are brewing in the cosmos, work is being done in my soul and on the other side I will look different–

but in the middle,

oh the painful middle,

it’s not my favorite place!

Eyes veiled as I fumble in the dark looking for purpose – all seems pointless.

A wish expressed from my heart to the invisible – Can I just start over? Do something different? Move away? Reinvent myself? Be someone else?

The disappointment of this life threatens to swallow me up, like Alice falling into the endless hole to Wonderland,

I fall,

fall,

falling!

The messy middle of silence, of nothingness, of confusion, of loss, of blindness, of valley violence that rips at the flesh parts still active and trying to control a spirit situation. This place where spirit convenes with God and the ugly is shaken off and transformed. The messy middle – that place before the victory, before eyes can see, heart can feel, head can understand, and will can move forward.

The messy middle, I feel useless in this place,

it’s heavy and lonely and dark. No good for anyone…

And then He wakes me up, in the middle of the night in the middle of my mess, He arouses my soul to pray for a friend burdened and in pain. I lift her name to the throne room, I lift her name to the only One that can help her on this journey, I lift her because He has awakened me to pray. It’s 1:14a.m., I pray!

Eyes heavy for sleep I drift back to subconscious…

Morning comes and I text my sweet friend to check on her and let her know God woke me up to pray for her in the wee hours of the morning to which she responds, “Well, that bizarre because I woke up at 1:30am in horrific pain and have not gone back to bed.” Grateful to not be on this journey alone- she feels seen, she feels loved, she knows she is cared for.

And I am reminded that even in the middle of all my mess He can use me!