Becoming,.. I am becoming! But first I have learned that I must “unbecome” to become.  I must unravel to be put back together and all of it, the unraveling, the piecing back together takes willingness.  I must step into all that must be done, as uncomfortable as it is, to find the comfort that waits on the other side.

My word for 2016 is “wiiling” – I have not known what it meant. My word last year was “show up” so when God said my word this year was “willing” I was a little confused – I mean didn’t I prove I was willing by showing up all year? So I have been waiting to understand what this word meant for me.fullsizerender-3

I was in my kitchen reading a chalkboard I have next to my sink.  It lists each of my family members’ Christmas gifts for Jesus.  Every year we give Him a gift of how we will live the next year for Him.  I was rereading those.  My gift is to live more confident and just “be me.” As I read these words for the umpteenth time my New Year’s word that God whispered to my heart in January 2017 came to mind – “willing”

Hhhmm? How are these two related?

And then it all came together and I heard Him ask, “Are you willing to be you?  To lay it all down?  To live in the delight of my opinion only?  To settle for my approval? To let go of what was never meant to be in your grasp? To stop striving to be what you are not called to be? To let me unravel what you have become – to unbecome – and to become what I created to be?”

Yes, please!

Yes, oh my God!?

Yes, I’m ready!

Yes, am I ready?

Yes, I’m scared!

Yes, finally!

Yes, can we take it slow?

Yes, can You hurry up?

Yes, show me the way!

For most of my life I have felt like a little girl looking for the approval of others, the support of others “older” than me to validate and confirm my path. Permission to “grow up” and be the me God made me to be.  Their silent “nod” that said, “You’re okay, job well done, I’m proud of you, wow, you are amazing, look at you!”  I have discovered I have been standing on the sidelines waiting for this stamp of approval.

img_8720A little girl saying, “See me, see me!”

A little girl unnoticed and invisible.

A little girl defined by what others think.

A little girl who has lost her way.

A little girl who has lost herself.

I didn’t know I felt so small until recently.  God has been opening my eyes as I have turned into bitterness, offense, resentment, unforgiveness, disappointment.

They have showed me

how I blame,

how I wait,

how I expect,

how I live small,

how I am defined by the opinion of others,

how I skirt around conflict,

how I have lost myself,

how I strive,

how I wish for more,

how I secretly envy and covet,

how it’s never enough,

how much I say, “I don’t know!”

“I don’t know!”

I don’t think I know who I am  – not really!

I don’t know what I want to do, what I like, what I wish for, what makes me happy, what I desire, what, if I could do anything, I would do, what I am passionate about, what to say…

The curious thing about becoming is that you must first see what you have become and then you must unbecome – this is the process of becoming. The painful, exhilarating process of becoming.

So, I know a lot about what I don’t know, but what do I know?

I know that when I stand before a group of women and share my authentic struggle with the issues of this world, I feel alive and I feel the sigh in their souls that they are understood, not alone, not crazy and can find a safe place to be in their own struggles.

I know that my children are growing up to be my best friends.

I know that my husband is safe and intimacy is not so scary anymore. I am safe to be real and allow my heart to open and connect on a deep level to be known.

I know that God has surrounded me with a handful of girlfriends that have healed my heart in ways I never thought anyone could and that all girls are not mean!

I know that

I am wise,

I am feisty,

I am sweet,

I am creative,

I am thoughtful,

I am real,

I am imperfect,

I am quiet,

I am an observer,

I am a mess,

I am all over the place some days…

To unbecome…I want to unbecome…to lay down what is not mine to hold, to let go of uncertainty, to see myself through Jesus’ eyes, to look into the eyes of those who love me and have confidence in me and see what they see, to no longer search the faces of those disinterested, to be kinder and gentler to myself, to figure out what I want to be when I grow, to do what I love, to live passionately knowing tomorrow is not guaranteed!

Unbecoming to become…

I have had a picture in my mind lately as I have been wrestling with the uncomfortable: I see a small tree that has been planted by a beautiful stream but is uprooted now. I see it there, roots dangling below it as it rests secure in a strong hand wrapped around its trunk, suspended in mid-air. It would seem that the tree would be uncomfortable uprooted but it’s not, it is actually quite aware of its predicament and is strangely secure in the hand of her Gardener. Being uprooted feels freeing, it feels purposeful, it feels hopeful. He will replant her when He is ready, she is “un”becoming as she dangles in His hand. He will replant her when He is ready and she will become to His desire!