Thinking about my vibe, what do I put out there? How do people experience me?

I think mostly people experience me as kind, confident, wise, having it all together, successful, but if I am really honest with myself and dig a little I think there are many that also experience me as insecure, second-guessing, feeling less than, not as smart, not as pretty, not enough. Maybe not on face value – I don’t think people necessarily see me in this “negative” light – I don’t think it is a “conscious” experience, if you will, I think it’s the vibe I give off – it’s a subconcious experience. And it is my experience not theirs. They think what I “want” them to think about me.

I feel dismissed, invisible, unheard, small.

I give that off – like a beacon in the dark of night, this signal goes out and shines brighter in many ways than what I try to give off. I don’t mean try as in beiing fake, on some level I do feel confident and have it all together, but on some days, somewhere deep inside I question it all.

I am not enough, don’t have what it takes, a failure.

That middle school girl inside of me, with all her insecurities, sometimes precedes the real me when “we” walk into a room. She screams, “Hey, yea, I know I am no good, you don’t want to know me, you won’t like me if you do.”

I must protect myself, put up walls, keep my heart hidden and guarded.

We pick up on this in each other – all these underlying beliefs that shroud who we really are and then we react to each other. It’s not conscious. Notice how there are some people you are drawn to and others that repel you, why is that? It’s the silent signals that you are picking up on. If my hidden beliefs are that I am unacceptable and I run into you – you will most likely not accept me. It’s the self-fulfilling prophecy at its finest. We make manifest in our worlds what we secretly believe about ourselves.

paper heartsThe walls of our hearts are covered with the words from the voices of our past. Parents, siblings, teachers, coaches, friends, boyfriends, strangers, pastors have all written on our walls and left both positive and negative beliefs about who we are. And we have hung our hats on their words.

Who gave them the authority to name us? We did!

We bought into the lies about what others have said we are and have lived this out, putting this out into the world. We think they are hidden but, in truth, they go ahead of us, setting the stage, preparing the way, sounding the signal as we enter each room, situation, relationship. Are they really hidden if they go ahead of us? Hidden from who?

I want to change this! I want my secret signals to align with my “perfect” Christ self.

Jesus says that I am:

I am God’s child.
Galatians 3:26

I am Jesus’ friend.
John 15:15

I am a whole new person with a whole new life.
2 Corinthians 5:17

I am a place where God’s Spirit lives.
1 Corinthians 6:19

I am God’s Incredible work of art.
Ephesians 2:10

I am totally and completely forgiven.
1 John 1:9

I am created In God’s likeness.
Ephesians 4:24

I am spiritually alive.
Ephesians 2:5

I am a citizen of Heaven.
Philippians 3:20

I am God’s messenger to the world.
Acts 1:8

I am God’s disciple-maker.
Matthew 28:19

I am the salt of the earth.
Matthew 5:13

I am the light of the world.
Matthew 5:14

I am greatly loved.
Romans 5:8

I want these to be the secrets at my center!

I am 46 years old and i am shaking my head alot these days, what is going on?

I think this is a mid-life crisis and I think just maybe I am starting to wrap my head around it. By this age most of us have lived long enough to get some wisdom under our belts, we have raised a kid or two, been married awhile, held a decent job and made a living, lost loved ones, redecorated our houses or moved to a new house, buried a dog, been in a car accident, cried for no reason whatsoever, celebrated with friends, eaten more popcorn than we wished we had in that one sitting, exercised until we wanted to throw up, had that third cup of coffee and regretted it, cut all our hair off wishing it would grow back faster, watched our children fly out of our nests, worshipped, tears streaming, thankful for the gifts from heaven, wiped up more spilled milk off of our floors to last three lifetimes, seen dreams realized and watched others die, believed for a friend’s situation, prayed in the wee hours of the morning, lived through a broken heart.

There’s alot to do. We get lost along the way in all of it, focused on others, the pressure to get it right, to raise strong, healthy children, to serve husbands, to prove our worth to our bosses, to serve our churches sacrificially, to be at every baseball practice, dance revue, piano recital, business meeting, baby shower, New Year’s Eve party, to smile and make everything better on those days when things are off and the world feels a little tilted. It’s alot of responsibility and most days we are happy and content to do every single bit of it.

And then something happens – we look back and half our life is gone!

What??? What happened? Where did it go?

Where did I go?

So I believe what’s happening is a mid-life renovation, it’s a reminder, it’s a call back to my center. A clean slate, a reset, a blank page where I can review all the wisdom and years of trials, failures, experiences, victories and carry them forward, leaving the crap behind.

Reinventing myself to be who I was created to be all along.

I choose to change my signals! I want what I put out into the world to reflect the character of Christ and draw people to Him through me!

So, I am uncovering those hidden beliefs that still drive some of my behaviors, bringing them to my conscious awareness, they cannot hide any longer, turning into the wounds where these beliefs took root and inviting Jesus in to heal and speak truth. I am doing the hard work of renovating the walls of my heart! Slapping on some new paint and stenciling on the truth of who Christ says I am, etching it into depths of my heart.

I am God’s child. I am Jesus’ friend. I am a whole new person with a whole new life. I am a place where God’s Spirit lives. I am God’s Incredible work of art. I am totally and completely forgiven. I am created In God’s likeness. I am spiritually alive. I am a citizen of Heaven. I am God’s messenger to the world. I am God’s disciple-maker. I am the salt of the earth. I am the light of the world. I am greatly loved.

I am His favorite girl!

That’s what I choose to put out into the world – this is my vibe!