being an adult

My mom is the queen of folding clothes. I love when I am not home and she drops by to see my girls or bring me coupons she has been saving and there just happens to be a load of laundry beckoning her to be folded. She is the best folder ever! Creased and neat, even your panties feel prettier after she is done folding them!! And fitted sheets, she could put anyone to shame. Too bad there isn’t a “best folded fitted sheet” contest – she would win hands down! I’m just saying…my mom is better than your mom, especially when it comes to folding fitted sheets!

I, on the other hand, suck at it! I just stuff my panties in the top the drawer and that cursed sheet, well, I attempt but it just looks like a crumpled up wad of material when I am finished! A waste of my time in the attempting!

Adulting is hard! Some days I do it better than others but it can be so hard sometimes!

Marc and I have been on the crazy train lately. Not a full-time passenger but on and off, on and off, like a hobo moving from one city to another! We ride for awhile and jump off only to find ourselves boarding again in the madness.

I don’t tend to be one of those that finds a devil behind every door – it aggravates me, really, how people blame the devil for their own stupidity! It’s irresponsible in my opinion. Easier to say, “The devil did it” than to be accountable to our own soul hurts and the damage we do in the process of protecting, retaliating, withdrawing. Do I believe the devil is the slick motivator behind the scenes? YES! But I don’t believe its “demons” doing your dirty work all the time. For most of us the devil showed up early on…laid down some pretty big lies, destroyed your heart and then left you to yourself…you don’t need a demon to torment, you do a pretty good job on yourself and others in your life without any help from a demonic prodder.

But their are times in our lives when I believe his satanic movement is heightened and spinning us out of control. Marc and I have been kneaded, like Playdoh in his hands, this last month. Just stuck in old stuff, both feeling misunderstood and paralyzed in our own pain to reach out and comfort the other. Old stuff has a way of doing that. Flooded with painful memories we can get pressed into a corner erecting a brick fortress to wall us “safe” in an effort to guard our bleeding hearts!

I hate that dance! Back and forth – embrace, push away!

Move in close, spin out to distance.

So as we lay in bed last night, defeated and lost to one another I prayed for the compassion to reach for my husband, to comfort him, to reassure him, to be there for him. It didn’t come immediately, the paralysis didn’t end as quickly as I would have liked, I fell asleep licking my own wounds, as close to the edge of my side of the bed as possible creating that 7 inch space between us that may as well be a mile to bridge. Rigid, Hard, Impenetrable!

But God heard my prayer and spoke to me with a dream!

A scary dream at first!

In the dream we are laying in bed, there is a baby bed in the room. We are praying and as we are praying a soft light is coming from the baby bed and I can see a shadow of a baby moving in the bed. We get up to go look at it and it’s a beautiful baby boy with dark hair like Marc’s and deep chocolate eyes like most of our children’s eyes. He is precious. Then suddenly I realize he is a demon and we must kill it (sorry this gets scary, remember I told you that a second ago). Marc begins to strangle it and as he does its eyes turn black and it morphs into a creepy demon thing then turns to ash. (SCARY!)

In the dream I feel scared and fighting the panic within. Dreaming about demons is scary business. Then is comes back to life, it is back in our room on the floor, a small child about 4 years old. At first I feel fearful then something rises up in me and fear is gone. We must kill it! I don’t remember how we accomplish that task but we get the job done. Then its back – a 10 year old this time – but not as beautiful and innocent this time – its true form peeking through the exterior. Rotten, spaced out teeth reveal its true nature. I also notice that she has bright blue mascara on – maybe a tactic to hide, to appear more beautiful, that we might not see it for what it is. Instead of killing it this time I take it by the hand, I bring it to my children explaining to them that this is a demon, a demon that has caused them to feel rejected, insulted, betrayed and that they are to treat her the way she has invited others to treat them…it disappeared when I spoke this.

Beat the devil at his own game.

We must see the game, take it by the hand and call its bluff!

The next part of the dream Marc and I are in an attic and we are united, ready to fight together. He turns to me and says, ” I need you! I need you to help me find my words!” I nod and then I woke up!


But it wasn’t over yet…I heard God speaking to my heart, His soft, gentle voice prompting, prodding, nudging…”Put your arm around your husband, embrace him.”

I don’t want to do that Lord! I am still mad at him, He doesn’t deserve my love, haven’t you seen how he has hurt me for so long all these years. My flesh wars with God making her case!

But God…it’s not fair, don’t ask me to do that!

And in the same moment my spirit reaches in obedience, I turn and pull him close.

I hear the Lord say, “Seduce your husband. Seduce your husband.” He presses me to embrace vulnerability, to offer myself and push past the fear of rejection, to move in with compassion and passion. My head argues, my body surrenders – the war between the flesh and the spirit!

The walls come crumbling down, grace wins everytime!

holding 2

As we lay embracing I hear God whispering to me, “Tell him..I hear his prayers, He matters to Me, He is important to Me, He is My son, He brings Me great joy, I like hanging out with Him, He makes Me happy, I have not forgotten him.”

So I whisper these sweet nothings into my husband’s ear, his tears leak, wetting my face.

(A little need to know: 5 minutes before I woke up to embrace Marc he was awake praying for God to help him…he could tell I was dreaming as he lay there praying.) – Pretty cool huh? God heard his prayer and sent me – his Ezer Kenegdo – to help!

Ezer Kenegdo is the Hebrew word God used to describe Eve when He created her. In Scripture the word ezer is used 24 times, once to describe Eve and the other 23 times to describe the Holy Spirit.

 “Ezer is used twenty four times in the Old Testament. Only twice does it refer to Eve. Sixteen times it refers to God as a “helper” when a savior or protector is needed against an enemy. For example, Exodus 18:4 states “…for the God of my father, [was] mine ezer and delivered me from the sword of Pharaoh.”  In this case, the LORD killed Pharaoh.  Again in Deuteronomy 33:7 ezer is used: “Hear, O LORD, the cry of Judah…be his ezer against his foes.” The writer is beseeching the LORD to come through with might and power. Deuteronomy 33:29 reads “…the LORD…is your shield and ezer and your glorious sword. Your enemies cower before you.”

Pretty powerful thought?! We were created to save, to protect against the enemy.

Marc asked me what I thought the baby represented in the dream – I think its a symbol of how the devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy. A small offense, innocent, not meant to cause much harm, seemingly insignificant – it passes over our hearts, we dismiss it, make light of it, it’s tiny at first but it gets lodged in our hearts and it grows. We fight it back, kill it, if you will, but never really address it, take its hand and give it the attention it needs to move past it, so it gets bigger until its smack dab in the middle of you pushing you to the edge of your side of the bed.

We have to turn into, fight together, reach for one another, help the other find their “words” – we need each other – we were created to “save” and “protect” – God made you woman – strong and powerful, a mighty warrior readied for battle –

you literally scare the hell out of your relationships.


The devil does not want you to know the power you wield – you are his greatest adversary. Get up off your belly and stop crawling around letting him step on your neck! You were created to crush his head with your heel! STAND UP! God calls you Ezer Kenegdo, He thinks so very highly of you! He likens you to His Holy Spirit – what an amazing compliment.

He whispers sweet nothings to you today:

“I hear your prayers,

abbaYou matter to Me,

You are important to Me,

You are My daughter, My beloved,

You bring Me great joy,

I like hanging out with You,

You make Me happy,

I have not forgotten You.”