New normal is so uncomfortable.

My dad unexpectantly, in some respects, passed away a few weeks ago. April 8, 2018, he entered heaven after a long stay in the hospital trying to heal his heart and kidneys enough for him to go home. It was looking “good” and he was moving towards home bound until the morning of April 7 when he suffered a massive heart attack from which he never woke up from.

I have been heartsick.

It’s surreal, unbelievable, what the heck just happened??!!


This was not how this was supposed to go down, he doesn’t go down. I thought for sure our rebound king would do what he does best – rebound! He always does.  We have been here before…hospitals, ventilators, waiting… we have done this before – it was not supposed to end this way!

But it did…and now a new normal unfolds.

Some nights I toss and turn trying to wrap my brain around how to do Christmas without him, grandchildren’s birthday parties, and all these end of the year school programs he was always a good sport about.

My heart aches.

Life seems more gray…shrouded a bit…numb…not the same.

I know things will get better, that this is the grieving process, yada, yada, yada…this is what they say and I know it is all true, but it doesn’t ease the dull ache in my heart that colors everything a blah-like gray!

Sadness can be consuming. I am learning once again to sit in the middle of it not letting it drown but rather choosing to be surrounded by its pervasive nature, feeling it in all my cells  to my depths.

It is hard to be present on those gray days.

But I choose to.

I cry when I need to,

I share my sadness with safe friends,

I allow others to come close and feel uncomfortable in the “there’s nothing to say or do” space between us and choose not to rescue them from my pain.

It’s not a place most people find me, I am an optimist by nature, so it’s uncomfortable for all of us but it’s good in that weird-good kind of way as we sit together in the dull, achy spaces between us all!  Thank you for being with me here!  It’s important that you are here with me! Thank you!