Do you find yourself on crazy cycles?
Do you even notice your own crazy?
Do you feel the insanity of cycling through the same stuff season after season?
I have been paying attention to my cycles, not menstrual, my emotional cycles and I have come the strong conclusion that I am, in fact, crazy!!
I am exhausting and exhausted!
And I am thankful! Thankful that my eyes are open to see it, thankful for grace towards myself to own it and thankful that I have the choice to heal and change it! Thankful!!
My cycles revolve around the deep heart issue of “belonging” – a deep rooted issue from as early as conception. I was born in Japan, my mother was excited to be pregnant with her first born, but she was an Air Force wife in a foreign country, far from home, far from family, far from friends, far from familiar language and customs, far away in a place she DID NOT BELONG. This is the climate I “brewed” in while in utero and her emotions affected me, they imprinted me, they defined and named me on some level. And I strongly believe the devil had my number long before I was born because he knows what we as humans are just beginning to learn – our parents’ unresolved issues affect and program their babies for certain aspects of life. My mom had me in a country she did not belong…I have struggled my whole life with belonging! And there has been an assignment on my life from the moment I breathed my first breath of Earth air to experience rejection and inflame the feeling that I do not belong.
Memory after memory starting at 4 years old with girls in my life that chose to NOT accept me…it wasn’t their fault, they didn’t know they were being used as tools to support a problem I had within me at a cellular level (see the studies on epigenetics for more info).
I did not belong!
And this little lie…4 little words…have ruled my life in so many ways!
It has kept me on this crazy cycle searching for acceptance and a place I fit in. It has kept me in bondage to the opinions of others. It has kept me searching for belonging outside of myself.
The truth – I am accepted and already fit in…
I am a daughter of the MOST HIGH KING (Psalm 45:13 All glorious is the princess within her chamber; her gown is interwoven with gold. 2 Corinthians 6:18 And, “I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.”) And He has a seat saved for me at His banquet table (Revelations 19:9 “…Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.”)
The truth – I am free and God’s opinion is the only opinion that matters…
I have been freed through the blood of Christ and His sacrifice for me (Galatians 5:1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.) And I dance for an audience of ONE, I am in service to God and God alone, it is His opinion that matters over the opinions of others (Galatians 1:10 For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.)
The truth – I belong…
I already belong – I find belonging from within – there is no searching for it, I belong, it is settled and I must live in this truth from the inside out, not searching externally for it but rather finding it resting in my soul as an inheritance (1 Peter 2:9 But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.)
The truths we search for are hidden in the heart of God and He shares them in His love letter to us (The Bible). Whatever your crazy is, He has the answer! He has it for you – whatever it is you are searching for –
He has it – there is no striving –
He has it and He has given it to you –
hidden treasure to search out –
deep in your soul,
it hides there waiting to be uncovered
Break your crazy cycle, embrace His healing for your heart, let it wash over you!
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall[a] on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.