I was rattled to my core the other day. It was unexpected, I can’t really put my finger on what exactly was so disturbing, it wasn’t bad news or anything like that, but I wanted to drop to the ground and just cry and maybe never stop!
It has kept me unsettled – questioning, circling, grasping for understanding. I find myself just walking around shaking my head…what the…?
It’s funny, well not really, it’s not really funny – why do we say that? I think maybe it’s because we can’t possibly make sense of the some of the madness in our worlds – all that is left to do with it is laugh about these head shaking, what the heck moments!
Anyway, I digress, as I was saying it is funny how life can throw us for such a loop sometiimes. A fifteen minute conversation and I am knocked down unable to even find which way is up is for the next several days. Drowning! That conversation shook something loose inside of my soul – a deep something. I would like to blame it on the person on the other end of the line but honestly, it is not about them, it’s about me – something old and dormant and a little scary to revisit.
We let stuff sit hidden within us and on some level it drives us like that nagging back seat driver barking directions and opinions. You want to turn around and swat her mouth shut but you can’t reach her, heck, for most of the drive you didn’t even know she was back there but then suddenly you hear her and you can’t shut her up!
I’m thankful for the unearthing of the deep, hidden things that have been buried in my heart, those things that were too painful to have dealt with in earlier years, so I stuffed it away in dark caverns.
And then, what feels like all of a sudden, it resurfaces.
But God is more careful than that – all meticulously planned for my good – He allows an event to trigger and resurface that moldy, old thing that secretly drives some of my behaviors.
Would I rather not look at it? YES!
Would I rather not deal with it? YES!
Would I rather it stay buried within forever? YES….NO!
No, I want my heart whole – all parts healed and made new and so I turn to the backseat, look her in the eye and face that nagging backseater head on. She will not drive me anymore!
Turn into the hard things- grab a journal, get alone, feel the depth of the emotions you have run from, let it surface, ask God to show all there is to know about it – where it was birthed, the lies that surround it, the ways it drives your behavior today. Turn into it! It will be worth it when you are finished.
Freedom awaits, along with an empty backseat that leaves you able to hear the music, maybe for the first time in years!