chess4

Don’t you just love when you can see God’s hand at work in your life?

His movement in the smallest of details to orchestrate His divine plan?

Every detail like a chess piece on the board with calculated moves for the win.

One of my children had a situation come up with her fellow classmates, not really a big deal on the surface. Iimagine a large black kettle and throw in teenagers, high stress, disagreement, cell phones, deadlines – recipe for disaster right? Feelings got hurt, misunderstandings wedged between relationships and the devil has a field day with perceptions. The kettle went from simmer to boiling overflow, making a mess everywhere.

A sit down meeting was called with parents and students. It was a sweet moment as conversations were had, hearts were heard and relationships mended. A safe “laboratory” for our kids to experiment, learning how to effectively communicate, care for one another’s hearts and reconcile.

But God wasn’t finished…

As I look back over the events that led up to this situation I see God’s fingerprints all over – His letting this…even better…actually orchestrating the events, using teens to push buttons so tempers might flare to force, if you will, this meeting of parents and students.

In this group, there are many students in this class that this situation could have involved.

But only four were chosen!

There were four, three on one side of the fence and one standing alone. Coincidentally (which I don’t believe for a second was a coincidence) the other two standing on the “fence side” with my daughter have parents who know Marc and I intimately, know about our ministry and what we do. At the meeting we were introduced to the lone fencer’s family. A little comment about the fact that we have a counseling minsitry yada yada yada…no biggie.

Conversation continues between moms at lunch and more light is shed on what we do.

Conversation with me later in the day and the plan unfolds…

God needed us to meet, Marc and I have a piece of the puzzle for lone fencer’s healing, we can help!

This whole situation brought me to tears by the end of the day as I put it all together…

He really does leave the Ninety-nine for the ONE!

chess 2

Seeing His hand all along the way, He allowed, maybe even prodded, that this situation would escalate because He so wanted to rescue the one. It was not an accident who He brought to the table, the players in the game.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

He really outdid Himself and I am so glad for the clarity to see His intimate hand in the details that moved the mountains to bring about what is to come. He so desperately wants us healed, whole and free.

chess3How is He moving the chess pieces in your life?

Who has He brought that introduced you to so and so?

That opened the door for this or that?

That made way for one thing or another?

NOTHING IS BY CHANCE!

He is a Grandmaster chess player, calculating every move, weighing every option, seeing the end before the game ever starts, knowing how to carefully and purposefully move each piece for the game to go as He chooses. Your healing is His game and He is planning every move along the way to facilitate and win the game!

11 players showed up at the table (parents and students), hundreds of moves (conversations, misunderstandings, distance, judgements, perceptions) 1 Grandmaster manipulating the board for His 1 beloved lost sheep!

You are of great value to your Heavenly Father and He will move mountains, use other players, thousands of moments – the good, the bad and the ugly, to move you into position for His good purposes!

Checkmate!

chess

So let me first just brag a little on my growth – to write or say the word “vagina” has not been something I have been particularly comfortable with, not too sure why I just haven’t. I think it’s probably because I have lived so disconnected from this part of me for so long. So I am pumped I can write about this and say this word right now on my sexual healing journey. Ok, that’s it…enough bragging!

brainI love brain science, neuroscience, it fascinates me the way God made our brains. He thought of everything and I love learning about it. I heard something last night in my “sex class” about neural pathways that I didn’t know before. So there’s a connection between our genitals, vagina for women, penis for men, and our hearts. I mean, it makes sense, think about it. When we give ourselves sexually to our husband/wife we open ourselves to them, we become vulnerable, offering, receiving, surrendering our bodies and hearts to the process of lovemaking.

These parts of us are supposed to be connected.

But many of us have been living disconnected.

Unfortunately, I do not have a testimony of waiting. I didn’t save sex for marriage, I was promiscuous and broke my connection. Sex outside the safe confines of marriage forces you to.

You can offer your body, but you must guard your heart.

Broken connection.

It becomes a physical act void of spiritual connection. Neural pathways created in those years that disconnected my vagina from my heart, disconnected the physical from the spiritual. Of course I have been embarrassed to say the word “vagina” –

my story is full of shame, my story is full of loss, my story is full of disconnection.

The neural pathways connected to sex are intertwined

with dirty,

with discarded,

with covering up and hiding,

with used.

There is nothing sacred, nothing saved, nothing spiritual about these neural pathways.

Broken connection.

Disconnection.

And sex is not sacred when these parts of us are disconnected. I have never understood the idea that sex between a husband and wife is a beautiful form of worship between the two offered to a holy God.

What?! Weird! I haven’t understood that because there has been a disconnection between my physical and my spiritual, my sexual and my heart.

So what’s a broken girl to do?

Well, like I said earlier, God thought of everything, He really is the coolest! So He made this amazing, miraculous process that our brains can rewire, make new neural pathways and change the way we think. It’s known as platisticity. It makes no difference how old you are, how long you have been thinking the way you think, it can be changed!

pathway

You can “grow” new ways to think!

You can connect what has been disconnected!

He thought of everything. He knew we would be broken in a fallen, deceived world and He made a way out. Isaiah 43:19 reminds us, “Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”

You don’t have to live disconnected!

It will take work but you can change it.

Have you heard the saying, “It takes 21 days to create a new habit” – do know that it takes 21 days to create a new neural network? Your default thinking, your default reactions, your default disconnection can be changed in 21 days if you purpose to renew your mind and look for the way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

Sanctify your marriage bed, sanctify your sex life, sanctify your sexuality.

Take it from the hands of the enemy of your soul,

offer it to a holy God who not only created it but delights in it!

Worship Him with your spirit, soul, and BODY!

Marc and I have come a long way from where we started 16 years ago but I still have work to do, new neural pathways to grow. I struggle with looking him in the eye in intimate moments, I look away, it’s uncomfortable and now I know why…it’s that disconnection, it’s that old shame creeping up trying to steal my today and go down the path of that old neural network, that default thinking.

Taking my thoughts captive,

finding rivers in the desert,

making new pathways,

changing my brain chemistry,

looking my husband in eye,

vagina-heart together,

Connecting,

Sexual is spiritual, spiritual is sexual.

Sanctified!

healed-our-marriage

heart marked

I know people who schedule sex, they actually put it on their calendars and plan for it…I have never understood that. It has felt so sterile, so unspontaneous to me. I didn’t get it…but I think I do now.

Let me explain…

So I have been taking, what I fondly refer to as “my sex class” on this journey of understanding and embracing my sexual self and although this journey has not been about sex in my marriage it is absolutely about sex in my marriage because what you put your mind on, well, it motivates your body. So talking about sex and learning about myself as a sexual being has me focused more on sex…libido rising…desire increasing…sex on the brain right?!

So I get it!

Now I am not scheduling sex, that’s not the point of this blog…whether you do that or not makes no difference to me, whatever floats your boat and works for you and your man. The point of this blog is the revelation of that “aha” of why people do it. I am sure there are lots of reasons that have people scheduling sex into their lives – if you have babies, you are exhausted and it may be the only way you get it in, if you own your own company, your mind may be preoccupied with other things so scheduling sex keeps it a priority in your life, if your libido is lacking perhaps scheduling sex keeps you at least trying to make sex an important part of your married life…whatever your reason I get the “why” behind it.

What you think on…your body responds to! So if you schedule a sex date, you see it on your calendar, you have all day to think about and get yourself ready for it, get those “juices” (haha) flowing and those hormones revved up, your body desiring, readying, wanting to be touched and kissed and held. Make time to feel pretty, sexy, desirable and move into your feminine self.

It works, it really does!

The mind is a powerful thing – mind over matter (body) is a real thing! You can will your body to be free from sickness with your mind. You can will your body to do amazing things like lift heavier weights than you ever thought possible, jump higher or run longer than you ever believed you could. You can will your body to try new foods, dare new adventures, trust in new relationships.

The mind is amazing!

You can do anything you set your mind to!

So, with that being said, your mind can will your body to want to have sex. If you purpose to think on, read a “sexy” book, watch a “sexy” movie.

(***And let me put a disclaimer here – I am not talking about pornography or anything even close to that – those sorts of things trigger the heck out of me and frankly just make me pissed off at my husband, not desire him. I am also not talking about romance novels that introduce you to some hero perfect specimen of a man who knows how to romance a woman and turn her on by looking in her direction, those piss me off too because my husband ain’t nothing like Mr. Perfect Fiction.)

classy

I am talking about a funny, clean comedy like The Proposal or The Notebook (athough I must confess I don’t watch those types of movies, too much sadness for me – a friend told me it was a good, gushy one though) that helps you to connect heart to heart or read Dr. Kevin Leman’s books, Sheet Music or Sex Starts in the Kitchen. Something that puts sex on the brain.

Another way get in the mood is to remember a time when you had great sex with your husband or a romantic evening and let that ruminate in your mind for the day. Think on the things you like about your man, or used to like about him if you are struggling. A sexy look from across a room, a time he played with your hair or grabbed for your hand, that day he wore a new shirt and looked hot, or took care of something that made you feel cared for and secure. There was a reason you were attracted to him back in the day…think on those things.

As you choose to will your brain to remember fond moments your body will oblige with desire and interest.

heal(***Another disclaimer, for those of you healing and still in pain from betrayal, abandonment, neglect etc. please give yourself the grace and time you need to heal yourself body, soul, and sprit. Healing and forgiveness take time…this blog is not for you today sweet friend, read it in a few months or years when your heart is in a better place and your have been gracious to yourself with the time you have needed to find safety in your relationship again!)

This is a delicate subject!

So much pain and hurt around our sexuality. Only you know your story and what damage has been done to you and only you can determine if you are ready to step into this vulnerable place again. If you are not ready, please seek out the help you need to heal – don’t stay locked away in pain, life it too short to let the actions of others rob you of what is your God-given gift.

Your sexuality is a God-given gift!

Invite her into healing! 

Ok…back to sex on the brain.

sex pic

So! Be mindful of your thoughts and let it peruse the memory aisle in your brain of those naked, vulnerable, giving yourself, toe curling moments. Bathe in those memories and just see how your body responds! She will thank you for it and SO WILL YOUR HUSBAND!